Tuesday, August 4, 2009

I have all of these thoughts running around in my head and I thought perhaps it would make sense for me to write these thoughts down and then maybe the peace I've been asking God to bring will come into my heart and my silly head.
My Mom got married this past Saturday. We have gotten to know Tom her husband over the past two years spending time together over a handful of holidays, birthdays and events the kids have participated in. He seems to be an absolutely wonderful man. I could not have picked a better guy for her. He is very kind, loving and has a great sense of humor and puts up with my mama bossing him around in such a way that amazes me. He says, "hey I'm a peach now, remember I'm a peach." I love it, she smiles even chuckles and whatever it was making her crazy melts away.

That being said. Why was it so weird for me. I felt so selfish all weekend but could not make my feelings go away. I felt like a child. I think he is so great for her but kept thinking I don't want a stepdad. I really had not even thought about that part until Mom had asked me to call Tom on Father's Day since his own two daughters don't call him. I thought, that isn't my place, I don't have a clue as to what their relationship is and it quite frankly is none of my business the things that have happend between them. As for me I had never thought of him as a father figure just a friend. I have a Dad I love and go see on Father's Day. The only other person I have ever called Dad is my Father-In-Law whom I adore and have loved for the 15 years I've been married to his son and even then I have only said it on ocassion when I have felt especially close to him. Then I got to thinking I now have stepsisters. This came on the tail of Mom insisting we all spend the weekend together after the wedding at their home in Springfield. Both of his kids and her kids. I thought I don't want stepsisters, I'm perfectly happy with the two great sisters God blessed me with, I don't have room for anymore.
Is this possible that I would feel this way as a grown adult. Shouldn't I be able to embrace this a bit more maturely. All I can think is she is myyyyyyyyyy Mom. When I heard one of his daughters call her Mom I wanted to curl up in a ball and cry. What is wrong with me. I kept thinking this is not how I am supposed to feel, I am supposed to be happy and supportive and the person Mom can lean on if she is nervous but I just wasn't. I didn't talk much. I was thankful for my sweet husband who held his arm around me tight through the ceremony. Actually he was awesome the entire weekend. He seemed to be right beside me at every moment I needed him to be and left me alone when I needed to be left alone.
I kept thinking this is why God says one man and one woman and why he despises divorce, the pain is so great and changes lives in such a way that nobody is ever really the same. I walked around with this fake smile all the while re-visiting this gaping wound left in my heart from 13 years ago when my parents of 25 years decided our family wasn't worth fighting for and gave up. I know that sounds harsh but it really is harsh and here I am 13 years later still trying to get over it.
Again, I feel like a child that I have these feelings and through prayer and understanding God will heal me up once again and put peace back where I feel sorrow. I trust this as he has done it so many times before.
I do love seeing my Mom so happy for her smile could have been the guide light to heaven on Saturday. I just needed to get these horribly, selfish feelings out of my head.

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